torsdag den 9. maj 2013
Noget jeg savner / Something I miss
Hendes sygdom har fyldt så meget i mig, at jeg har haft svært ved at huske hende som rask. Så selv om jeg selvfølgelig gerne ville have en rask mor, så føles det ikke som et alternativ til hendes død.
Når jeg besøgte hende, gik jeg gennem et lille stykke skov. Hvert eneste forår så jeg anemonerne blomstre og plukkede mange, mange buketter. Til hende, men så sandelig også til mig! I dag tog jeg til Hillerød igen. Så, at gravstenen var kommet på plads. Drak en kop kaffe deroppe (hun elskede at drikke en kop kaffe) og tog hjem med en sidste-øjebliks-anemoner. Men jeg fik dem!
It's almost 8 months since my mother died. It was a giant relief not having to ride the train to Hillerød twice a week. Not constantly being a little worried or having the little twinge of guilt somewhere in the back of my brain. Not feeling all the time that the time wasn't mine to plan, and not feeling bad about the times that I really wanted to plan everything according to my own head......
Her illness took up so much space in my mind, that I'm having a really hard time remembering her as a healthy person. So even though I really wanted to have a healthy mother, it didn't feel like a realistic alternative to her death.
Whenever I visited her, I walked through a little bit of forest. Every single spring I watched the anemones bloom and I picked flowers for so very many little bouquets. For her, but definitely also for me! Today I traveled to Hillerød once more. Found that the stone with her name had been placed on her grave. Drank a cup of coffee next to the grave (she just loved having coffee) and came home with a last-minute-bouquet of anemones. But I got them!